I Will Not Watch The Ocean
by angela evans
Summary: "Adrift" Follow up - Harm is lost at sea and Mac must make a choice


I Will Not Watch The Ocean  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters and this story is not intended for profit.  
9/11/01  
  
My lover's gone  
His boots no longer by my door  
He left at dawn  
And as I slept I felt him go  
Returns no more  
  
I will not watch the ocean  
My lover's gone  
No earthly ships will ever   
Bring him home   
Bring him home again  
  
My lover's gone  
I know that kiss will be my last  
No more his song  
The tune upon his lips has passed  
  
I sing alone  
While I watch the ocean  
My lover's gone  
Bring him home again  
Bring him home again  
- Dido, "My Lover's Gone"  
  
  
Sarah MacKenzie didn't know how long she'd been there. It must have been a long time. Mic had tried to talk to her, but by now he had given up and left her alone. She preferred being alone. If he wasn't coming back to her, then she would be alone.  
  
She stared out the window at the raging storm. It fit her emotions well, the conflict, the violence, the terror. Rain pelted the windows and tears began to stream down her cheeks. She wanted Harm. She wanted him to hold her in his arms and tell her everything was okay. She needed to tell him that she loved him.  
  
"Mac?" a voice behind her asked. She didn't respond, so the voice tried again. "Sarah?" She turned and saw Admiral AJ Chegwidden standing in the doorway, his concern etched in his face. "Do you want to go home? I don't think we'll be getting any more news tonight."  
  
"I don't know if I can . . . can go home and not be here. I won't walk the roof, looking for his ship, Sir."  
  
"No one is suggesting that, Mac." The admiral's voice was soft with concern as he crossed the room. He held her coat out to her. "The storm is calming, and the search will resume soon. You'll be the first to know. Let me take you home."  
  
She wanted so badly to have Harm take her home, but this would have to do. She let AJ slide her coat onto her shoulders, his hands staying there just long enough to give support and comfort.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Renee was pacing in a small square in front of Mic. He watched her sit, then stand, sit, and stand again. Every time someone passed, she attacked them, asking for news. Harriet and Bud were huddled in a corner with Chloe, trying to comfort her. Renee sat and looked at Mic.  
  
"What if they don't find him? How can he be lost at sea? Don't they have strobe lights and life jackets??"  
  
"It may not enough," Mic explained, "That water is pretty cold."  
  
"We're not talking Titanic cold are we?"  
  
"Not icebergs, but it is near freezing." Renee shivered. Mic put an arm around her. The door to the other room opened and they watched as Admiral Chegwidden escorted Mac out of the restaurant. "Why does she get the widow treatment, and I'm left in a corner with you?"  
  
"Whether they find him or not, they are both lost to us, Renee."  
  
Renee stared at him for a moment, and then turned her head away.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harmon Rabb clung with all his remaining strength to the buoy as the stormy seas pitched and rolled around him. He needed to stay afloat, to keep his head above the water. It was freezing cold, too. But he was going to make it. He had to. For her.  
  
Mac was getting married, and he promised he'd be there. It would be the most painful day of his life, watching her marry another man, but if that was what she wanted . . .   
  
"If you need me at your wedding, than maybe you are marrying the wrong man."  
  
He clung tighter to the buoy as he felt his strength failing him. He would make it back to her. She wanted him there and he wanted to be there for her.  
  
"Mac," he whispered into the cold, night air, "Sarah, I'm coming, I promise." A wave smashed over him and left him sputtering for air. He looked to the sky for any sign of rescuers, but the storm was holding them off. He wondered how much longer he could hold out.   
  
He pushed himself up, hugging the buoy, in hopes that it would make the strobe light more visible. He turned his face to the skies once more. "Hold on, Sarah, I'm coming. I love you, babe."  
  
He felt something bump him. But before he could turn around, the sea surged and he was hit over the head. Everything went black . . .   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Admiral Chegwidden walked Mac to her door and waited while she unlocked the door. He followed her in. "Mac, I promise, you will be the first to hear. If you need anything, call me."  
  
"Thank you, Sir." AJ turned for the door. "Sir?"  
  
AJ turned back. "Yes?"  
  
"When you asked if I would ever consider leaving JAG for . . . I couldn't get passed the question . . ." she trailed off.  
  
"You know the answer now," AJ said quietly.  
  
"I would, Sir, for the Commander."  
  
AJ smiled slightly at her. "He would for you, too. Mac, promise me you will try to get some sleep."  
  
"I'll do my best."  
  
"Take care of yourself, Marine." And he left her alone with her thoughts.  
  
Mac tried to sit on the couch, but her stomach failed her, and she rushed to the bathroom where she rejected the night's dinner. Wiping her mouth, she sat on the floor by the toilet, waiting for her body to steady itself. After a while, she decided to get up and take a shower.  
  
Mac let the water run over her face, not feeling the heat of it. She was just going through the motions, her body was in one place, while she was in another. She wished she were in the ocean with Harm. At least they would be together.   
  
Shutting off the water, she wrapped herself in a fluffy robe and wandered into the kitchen. She put water on for tea, and didn't even notice when she burned her finger on the hot burner.  
  
She drank a cup of tea, but it was half cold by the time she finished it. She needed to get out. Dressing quickly, she tossed her cellular phone in her bag and went out to her car. Mic had driven the two of them to the dinner, so her car was still in the garage.  
  
Mac drove aimlessly, but she soon found herself out in front of the Rose Garden. She stopped her car and walked to the perimeter fence. In her memory, she could see Harm standing there, where they had first met, wearing that shocked expression, like he'd just seen a ghost. She laughed in spite of herself.  
  
Getting back in her car, she drove over to Harm's. She found his spare key and let herself in. It was so surreal, seeing everything they way he had left it, thinking he would be back in a short time. She could not believe that he wouldn't dome walking out of his room and great her with that trademark grin of his. She walked through the apartment to his bedroom. She opened a drawer containing his shirts. She pulled one out and held it to her face, inhaling his scent. God, how she needed him.  
  
She carefully folded the shirt and put it back in the drawer. Reaching in for a sweatshirt, her fingers brushed a letter. She pulled it out, and found it addressed to her. She held back, not wanting to invade his privacy, but her curiosity got the better of her.  
  
Dear Sarah,  
There are many things that I have wanted to say to you since we met. As my best friend, you are my closest confidant. Your happiness means everything to me. I want you to know that you will always have me, no matter what . . .   
  
Mac had to stop reading. She took a sweatshirt with her, as she fell onto the bed and curled up holding both the letter and the shirt to her. She let the heavy sobs wrack her body. She cried herself out, until she succumbed to the exhaustion, her body allowing itself to sleep.  
  
She awoke a short while later, startled to find herself in Harm's bed, until it all came back to her. Getting up, she put the letter back in its place, but she took the sweatshirt with her. She had something she needed to do, something that would give her some sense of control over in this suddenly crazy life. She found her cell and called Mic.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Mic, it's me, we need to talk. Meet me at the Memorial."  
  
Mic Brumby listened to the message on his machine again. Sarah's voice, her voice basically telling him it was over. Grabbing his coat, he headed out for the Memorial.  
  
She was waiting for him, near the section of the Wall imprinted with Harmon Rabb, Sr. She was wrapped in a sweatshirt labeled with NAVY in white letters. Jesus.  
  
"Sirrah," he said, his accent coming out strong.  
  
"I'm sorry, Mic, but it's over. You deserve some one who will love you." She handed him the ring. "I should have done this a long time ago. Then maybe Harm would be safe right now."  
  
"It's not your fault," Mic whispered.  
  
"Yes, it is," she replied.  
  
Mic reached out and hugged her. "It is not your fault. I'm sure he'll be fine, Sirrah. Rabb is tough."  
  
Mac pulled away and looked at him for the last time. "Thank you, Mic. I wish you the best." And she was gone.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Mac went home and checked her messages. The Admiral had just called her, and his message was one that gave her hope.   
  
"Mac, this is AJ. They found him. I repeat, Harm has been found. He's being taken to Bethesda. Call me."  
  
She couldn't believe her ears. He was alive. And he was coming home. She ran out to her car, not pausing to call the Admiral.   
  
She didn't remember the drive from her apartment to Bethesda, she just knew she made it in an impossibly quick time that still seemed like an eternity to her. She ran all the way to ICU, where the Admiral met her at the door.  
  
"Mac," he said, sitting her down. "He was brought in a half hour ago. The doctors are still working on him. He has hypothermia, and he's ingested a lot of salt water, but they think that he will be okay."  
  
Mac rubbed her face. "Thank God."  
  
A few moments later, the doctor came to speak with them. "Your Commander is very lucky. He was in the water a long time. He's suffering from acute hypothermia, but he will be alright."  
  
"Can we see him?" Mac asked.  
  
"Yes. One at a time, and not for long. Plus he's sleeping right now."  
  
Mac made her way down the hall to Harm's room. He was pale, and there were tubes running from his body to machines with blinking lights. He was under layers of blankets. Mac's heart stopped.  
  
"Don't you ever scare me like that again, Sailor," Mac scolded Harm's still form. She took his cold hand and held it over her heart. "Can you feel that? Can you feel my heart pounding away? Do you know why?" She waited, as if expecting him to reply.  
  
"I love you, Harm." She sat down in a chair next to his bed and laid her head next to his hand. Once again she let her emotions go, and she cried, her tears soaking the blanket. There was feather light touch on her head. She looked up into Harm's open eyes.   
  
"Don't cry," he whispered.  
  
"Harm," she sobbed.  
  
"Sarah." He gently wiped the tears from her face. "Please don't cry. It's all right."  
  
"No, it's not. I almost lost you, and it took that to make me realize that I love you," she buried her face in his shoulder. An arm circled her shoulders, as he held her close to him with the little strength he had left.  
  
"Shhh . . . it's alright. Everything is alright."  
  
"Harm." She looked at him, eyes shinning with tears.   
"I love you, Sarah," he said, then he kissed her softly.  
  
*~*~*~ The End *~*~*~  
  



End file.
